so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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