if only i could text you this smell
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
