i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
