I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She told me I should be a condom model.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
