Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize