I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
