My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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