Can Purell be used as lube?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
