she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
