you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
