I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
