Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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