Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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