she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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