best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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