If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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