my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
