I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
