I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
