The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
im on a boat
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