I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
