I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I accidentally had phone sex last night
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
