It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it's like iHOP with fire
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
