just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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