listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
