She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
