Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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