My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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