I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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