Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
