I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
