So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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