Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
