she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
