i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
