Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
