I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
