I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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