Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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