You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
