I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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