dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
