It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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