my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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