he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
