I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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