He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
