my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
