so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
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I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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