i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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