take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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