When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
