Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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