oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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