hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
