my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
