I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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