If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize