so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
