I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
